I have been struggling with this a lot lately … alternating between these two extremes.  Feeling worthy and confident one day, then worthless and rejected the next.

The reason for this introspection?  I lost my job.

This was my job as a 911 call taker.  The job that I loved and felt good about.  The job where I beat out about 150 other applicants.  The job where I had endured six months of training and DORs (Daily Observation Reports) in order to solo.

And as of October 9th, I was called into the HR Director’s office and told that I was being “let go.”  They had my final paycheck all ready and everything.  I was told to surrender my ID badge and locker key, and was walked to my locker so I could gather my things and go home.  I almost felt like a criminal.

And I didn’t do anything wrong!  Broke no rules, etc.  Their reason for letting me go was this:  I had a “few areas of concern” during a 3 month evaluation.  I was told that I needed to do some extra training with my old trainer for about 2 weeks.  “Sure” I said … whatever needed to be done, I would do it.  They were relatively minor things – no big mistakes or huge gaffs.  When I finished the 2 week training, I was told by my old trainer that I had done well and showed improvement.

But that wasn’t the case, I guess.  When calling into the HR Director’s office that morning I was told that yes, I had shown improvement but not as much as they had hoped.  I’m still not vey clear on what exactly those “areas of concern” were in the first place.  But, be that as it may, I was let go.

Interesting that just a month prior to all this my agency hired 4 new 20-something call takers.  And during the hiring process the background investigator had made some pointed comments about my age, telling me that this job was very stressful for “people my age.”  I will let you draw your own conclusions.  I’m just sayin’.

So I have been feeling rather worthless lately.  I know that I didn’t do anything wrong.  I know that my performance was up to par with my co-workers.  But that doesn’t change the fact that I was fired.  And this is the very first job in my life from which I have been fired.  I was embarrassed to tell my family and friends.  Many of them I haven’t told yet.  Although, if they read my blog, they will now know this.   I have started looking for a new job – started looking right away, in fact.  I have sent out applications and resumes, and am attending a job fair tomorrow.

And I have had to remind myself that my self-worth is not tied up in:

• what job I have, or don’t have
• how my child is doing in school
• what year, make and model car I drive
• my relationship status
• how many followers I have on my blog
• how many likes/follows I have on Facebook or Twitter
• how I look in my workout clothes

These are all things that have “bugged” me from time to time about my life, and that I have allowed to make me feel less than worthy.  But I need to stop that, and realize that my worth is not determined by those outward measurements.  We try to teach out children that it’s what’s on the inside that matters most.  I need to keep that in mind for myself as well.